http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/library/dep/deplds/source/support.htm
Suggestions for the Loved ones of someone
who suffers from Depression -By someone who suffers-
I have been asked by Bishop Johnson to talk about depression and
specifically to the support people who are trying to aid and help a person with
depression. I approach this topic with humility and pray that my remarks will be
clear and concise. I would also ask the congregation to strive to invite the
spirit of the Lord to be here because at the end of the day that is what really
counts anyway.
"When I had
journeyed half of our life’s way,
I found myself
within a shadowed forest,
For I had lost the path that does
not stray.
Ah, it is hard to speak of what it
was,
That savage forest, dense and
difficult,
Which even in recall renews my
fear:
So bitter--death is hardly more
severe!"
The things that I say will mainly be
based around personal experience and scriptural understanding. I would like to
start off by defining the way I will be referring to depression in this talk.
Depression is a difficult thing to define because everyone experiences the
emotions of happiness and sadness. In that sense, depression can be considered
something universal. The depression I'm going to discuss is called "clinical"
depression. This is the depression of breakdowns, and disability. For this talk
to be effective it is important for me to be able to communicate to you what
depression is. It is almost indescribable and can be, at times impossible to
relay in language. The best descriptions of clinical depression that I have
found come from writers.
Andrew
Solomon describes depression:
"Depression is the flaw in love. To
be creatures who love we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and
depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades oneself
and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the
aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others
but also the ability to be peacefully alone with one self. Depression is grief
out of proportion to circumstance. It can be best described in metaphor and
allegory"
Another writer, William Styron
writes:
"What I had begun to discover is
that mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience the
grey and drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of
physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain like that of a
broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil
trick played upon the sick brain or the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the
diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And
because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from this
smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think
ceaselessly of oblivion. One does not abandon even briefly one's bed of nails
but is attached to it wherever one goes. The sufferer finds himself a walking
casualty of war, thrust into the most intolerable social and family situations.
There he must, despite the anguish devouring his brain, present a face
approximating the one that is associated with ordinary events and companionship.
He must try to utter small talk, and be responsive to questions, knowingly nod
and frown, and (heaven forbid) even smile. But it is a fierce trial attempting
to speak a few simple words."
I have felt this many times. Many
days before I gave this talk I have been apprehensive about whether I would be
healthy enough to stand before you and be responsive and sociable. It is
difficult to rely on yourself when you never can predict which self will emerge
on any given day.
Finally, in
Job we read:
Job 7:20, 3:20-22. What shall I do
unto thee, 0 thou preserver of men? Why hast thou set me as a mark against thee,
so that I am a burden to myself?
Wherefore is light given to him that
is in misery, and life unto the bitter in soul; Which long for death, but it
cometh not; dig for it more than for hid treasures; Which rejoice exceedingly,
and are glad, when they can find the grave?
These men describe depression and
some of the effects that it has on a person. In my opinion it is one of the most
difficult afflictions a person can suffer in this life. Given that, I offer a
few ideas to consider when dealing with a person suffering from depression.
Following those ideas I will offer a few suggestions as to how a person in the
support group can help.
The first thing to consider is that
the person who is suffering from severe depression is not acting like
themselves. I will say this again, The first thing to consider is that the
person who is suffering from severe depression is not acting like themselves. I
have heard the analogy of an oak tree which grows from the ground. At a certain
point in time, a vine begins growing up the oak tree. In time this vine starts
to overtake the oak tree and smothers the leaves that are naturally occurring
from the tree. From a distance an observer could not tell the difference between
the the leaves of the tree and the leaves of the vine. From a closer view you
can see that the vine is actually overtaking the tree and there would be very
few tree leaves left. In like manner, depression can erode a persons psyche so
that from a distance they look like themselves, but in reality they are
overtaken by the disease of depression. This observation is critical for the
support person to understand.
The second idea which I think is
helpful to consider is that of agency. In Mormon theology agency is considered
to be, or at least talked about as, the one thing that God has given everyone,
that it is sacred and Lucifer does not have power to abrogate it. This concept
is true. I repeat, this concept is true. However, in many instances there are
limitations to this agency.
When a person is suffering from a brain a disease it
affects the way they think. Thus, it logically follows that this altered
thinking is not the volition and will of the person himself. A simpler, less
opaque example than depression is one of dementia. The demented person does not
necessarily think and act in a way that is completely controlled by his will.
The illness of depression is similar.
People around depressives expect
them to get themselves together. Our society has little room for moping.
Spouses, parents, children, and friends are all subject to being brought down
themselves and nobody wants to be close to measureless pain.
This idea that agency can be
abrogated is very scary for many Latter Day Saints. People like to make sense of
their world. If they are presented with a situation that could challenge their
idea of agency their world would not make sense. To use an analogy, if the laws
of physics were to be suddenly changed so that if we dropped a ball, instead of
falling down, it rose up we would probably be unnerved a little.
I would like to share a brief
example from my mission. As a missionary, I was taught that if you were
completely obedient and kept every jot and tittle of the law that you would be
happy. Many people are familiar with the statement from Ezra Taft Benson about
work.
"One of the greatest secrets of
missionary work, is work. If a missionary works, he will get the spirit, if he
gets the spirit, he will teach by the spirit, and if he teaches by the spirit,
he will touch the hearts of the people and he will be happy. There will be no
homesickness, no worrying about families, for all times, talents, and energies
will be centered on the work of the ministry. That's the secret. Work, work,
work, there is no satisfactory substitute, especially in missionary
work."
A person with depression can follow
strict rules, work hard, and still suffer intolerably. Keeping these concepts in
mind, I offer six suggestions for the support person when trying to help the
depressive.
The number one thing that you can do
and if there is anything to be gained from this talk is this:
You must surrender all
judgments about the victims' character. The depression sufferer will be beaten
down enough by society that you do not need to add insult to injury by
challenging his or her character.
The world's view of people with problems is,
"They created their bed, let them lie in it." There is nothing of Christ in that
attitude.
The depression sufferer at times feels like they are drowning in the
ocean. The support person who is calling to them might say, "Keep your chin up,"
or "If you would just swim harder."
What the support person on the shore cannot
see are the invisible chains and shackles underneath the water chaining the
depressive, which is preventing him from swimming to shore.
Most often the drowning person cannot communicate this to the person on the shore.
Therefore it
is vital that the support person listens carefully and to not misinterpret a
statement of, I can't do that," to mean "I won't do that." Feeling safe with a
person who is non judgmental is probably one of the greatest keys to recovery in
depression.
The second
suggestion:
Do not pressure the depressive as it
relates to the time of their recovery and wellness. Depression can last for
months and even years "You know not the day, nor the hour" when recovery will
come.
This does not mean you should stand by idly waiting. It means to not place
expectations on the person's recovery. Many times the depressive will feel they
are disappointing the members of their support group or loved one who is
supporting them. Therefore, added pressure for them to recover actually adds
another catalyst for them feeling hopeless and helpless.
In my life, the greatest gift I
wanted to give my parents was to be happy myself. I realized at a young age that
what they really wanted was for me to be happy and healthy. It added great
pressure and broke my heart to be unable to give them my happiness and validate
their excellent parenting and substantial sacrifices.
The third
suggestion:
Educate yourself about the illness
so you can be able to separate fact from fiction. Depression can be a "garbage
bag" diagnosis and there is much misnomer out there. Educating yourself about
depression within the medical and psychological communities will prove very
helpful.
The fourth
suggestion:
The fourth suggestion that I would
make which may seem counter intuitive, is this:
Do not dive too deeply into
religious worshipping during the worst of their depression. This does not mean
you abandon Christ's gospel. Many times the depressive is suffering so deeply,
has perfectionism and their efforts are driven to extremes with religious
orientation.
The danger of this is that a person can break their testimony or
faith without fully grasping the true nature of their affliction. Again,
remember that a depressed person is not necessarily thinking with a healthy mind
and remember the analogy I gave from my mission. Working harder, praying harder
and fasting too long, can sometimes be counterproductive in this
case.
The fifth
suggestion:
Know that it is not your love that
is flawed. Many times the support people feel guilty and have mixed feelings
regarding the suffering of their loved one. This can be very difficult to do.
My wife has dealt with this with me. If I feel depressed she can think and feel
that it is something she has done when in reality, she hasn't done anything.
Remember to take time to take care for yourself. If you are run down and
exhausted you may be vulnerable to being drawn into the downward spiral of
despair, as well.
The sixth
suggestion:
Provide opportunities for the
depressive to be in nature and in uplifting environments. Time, sunshine, and
safety are very therapeutic for persons suffering with depression. They are not
necessarily cured by these things but they can help mitigate the
suffering.
I wanted to end this talk with a
couple of poems. One is an excerpt nom Lord Byron which for me describes how I
feel when I am in pain:
But silent let me sink to earth
With no officious mourners near
I would not mar one hour of mirth,
Nor startle friendship with a
fear.
"Aye, but to die, and go," alas!
Where all have gone, and all must
go!
To be the nothing that I
was
Ere born to life and living
woe!
Count o'er the joys thane hours have
seen,
Count o'er thy days from anguish
free,
And know, whatever thou hast been,
'Tis something better not to
be.
Sometimes I
might feel this way and may give in to total despair but I pray unceasingly to
have the faith of Job.
Job 19:25-26 For I know that my
redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: and
though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:
Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not
another.
Jesus Christ has descended below
all. During my darkest moments, I can relate to Christ when he felt like the
Father had forsaken him. I am comforted by the words of Isaiah, and I try to
remember that the agony I feel is just that, agony not reality.
Isaiah 49:15-16 "Can a woman forget
her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee
upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."
Finally, I want to end with my
favorite poem. It is important to the caregiver because as caregivers of
depressives we need to be able to see through the illusion of illness with our
spiritual eyes and remember that the Lord looketh upon the heart.
Touch of the Masters Hand
Twas battered and scared, and the auctioneerThought it
scarcely worth his whileTo waste much time on the old violin,But he held
it up with a smile."What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,"Who'll
start bidding for me?A dollar, a dollar - now who"ll make it two _Two
dollars, and who"ll make it three?
"Three dollars once, three dollars twice,Going for three". .
. but no!From the room far back a gray-haired manCame forward and picked
up the bow;Then wiping the dust from the old violin,And tightening up
the strings,He played a melody, pure and sweet,As sweet as an angel
sings.
The music ceased and the auctioneerWith a voice that was
quiet and low,Said: "What am I bidden for the old violin?"And he held it
up with the bow;"A thousand dollars - and who'll make it two?Two
thousand - and who'll make it three?Three thousand once, three thousand
twiceAnd going - and gone," said he.
The people cheered, but some of them cried,"We do not quite
understand -What changed its worth?" The man replied:"The touch of the
masters hand."And many a man with life out of tune,And battered and torn
with sin,Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd.Much like the old
violin.
A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,A game and he travels
on,He's going once, and going twice -He's going - and almost
gone!But the MASTER comes, and the foolish crowd,Never can quite
understand,The worth of a soul, and the change that's wroughtBy the
touch of the MASTER'S
hand.